So I’ve felt it pretty important to maintain a regular posting schedule, both because the writing is probably good for my brain and because without a schedule this would’ve been one of the things that gets neglected. I’ve had a hard time keeping on top of things the last few months, and the more structure I impose the better I seem to be doing.
It may seem counter-intuitive, then, that I’m taking a break.
And I know, I know, I’m not even a year in to this thing, so who knows if I’ll even come back?
Well, my head is improving. I’m having almost no headaches. My sleep schedule is becoming more normal. Well, normal for me. The evening naps are becoming fewer in number and shorter in duration. I’m staying up later (last night I was awake until around 2:30) and rolling out of bed when the alarm rings without a single pang of regret. You see, while I’ve been recovering, waking up was like climbing out of my own grave. The sleeps were stony, uninterrupted, and seemingly dreamless. Just long, wasted, black hours. And coming out of that state was a clawing effort. I would wake up aching from not having moved, feeling groggy and sometimes dizzy. I would lay in bed for an hour after the alarm just waiting to feel like I was actually awake.
The last few days, even though I’ve been sleeping less, I’ve been waking, looking out the window, and then rolling right out of bed. And I’m remembering dreams again… vivid, electric dreams. Many a night, as though my brain is making up for lost time.
This doesn’t mean that I need less structure, but there are a lot of things that have gone by the wayside while I’ve been getting better that now need my attention. Like my housework. And keeping up on my mail. You know, all of those little things that come together to make a life a life.
I want to live like an adult human again. Living the way I’ve been living has been a drag on my confidence and my peace of mind, and it eats up brain space that could undoubtedly be used more productively.
Some of this is coming back easily, seemingly naturally. But the kind of recovery that my apartment is in need of is not a thing that can happen in this slow, soft, organic way. It needs effort. So I’m going to put the effort in. In addition to the cleaning and setting up life-maintenance routines, I have some kitchen projects that I want to get out of the way, and I want to purge some of my belongings, and all of those sorts of things.
In addition, I’m working on something that will hopefully result in a real-deal, full time, actual grown up job. My first in over three years. So of course, that’s a thing that needs my attention. While working full time will significantly reduce the amount of time that I have to dedicate to my own work, the strain of not knowing how my bills will get paid has been a drain, and my creative output has suffered accordingly. This is, of course, not acceptable, since I have a couple of things I need to start working on and since I’d like to get writing on that damn novel again.
This thing requires a lot of paperwork and anxiety on my part, so I want to be able to focus on it without worrying about this blog not getting any attention. And so the way to go about that is to give myself permission to not give the blog that attention.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
And then I’ll come back the week after. I know I’m going to come back, because there’s something special and unfinished happening here. There’s some thread through a lot of these posts that I’ll use someday to pull it all together, once I figure out what it is, and I think the result will be really good. I feel as though these posts are like the biotic stew inside a caterpillar’s cocoon… or like each post is just me taking notes for something I’m going to do later that I can’t even see yet, and I think it would be foolhardy to stop now, with everything so nebulous and so… so not yet a butterfly.
So I’ll be back.
And I’ll see you then.